Brian Rowe

First tho', I *finally* caught up on homework! Just in time too since I have to create a 765 page web collection in 2 weeks.

Anyway, I was thinking of that list I mentioned before. I'm having a hard time figuring out what to write. I'll get to it, but right now I'm having writer's block. It'll come to me eventually.

However, the subject line is another thing from my past that I thought of recently. Brian Rowe. That subject is probably one of the very few things in life that comes closest to an actual regret.

I don't regret anything I've done, even if it was wrong. Even if I knew it was wrong. All of those things, good and bad, have made me what I am today. Without them, I wouldn't be me and I like who and what I am today. But I digress.

Brian Rowe was a boy I knew in junior high school. He was really cute and super nice, as far as I can remember anyway. We dated for a while, during that innocent time when I didn't really know what that meant. Y'know, when holding hands made you blush and you had only heard what french kissing was. (I think that's different than kids today...)

Anyway, I really liked him. Unfortunately, I didn't have the courage to stay with him.

I had a friend at the time, Danielle, that had a lot of... opinions. When she found out who I was dating, I never stopped hearing how bad he was, how he wasn't good enough for me, he wasn't tall enough, he wasn't, he wasn't, he wasn't. I didn't have the courage to stand up to her, after all, she was my friend, right? She was looking out for me, for my best interest.

Riiiiight.

I broke up with him for no good reason. I never really talked to him again. I think his parents were divorced and he moved away with one of them. I have a hard time remembering it all now. I do remember his brother, who was in a grade above us, was still at school until he, too, moved away.

Danielle and I didn't stay friends long. I realized, too late for Brian, that she wasn't that great a friend.

Anyway, I've always wondered what happened to him. I never got a chance to say I was sorry. I never got a chance to explain that I just didn't know who I was, that I didn't have the courage to tell Danielle to pound sand. I shouldn't have listened to her, obviously, but I did. It's something that I *still* feel pretty crappy about.

I wonder what would've happened if I had. Would I have lost a friend? Would it have mattered? We probably would've broken up over some silly fight that kids break up over anyway, but still.

I could justify it or excuse it as me just being young, not knowing enough about life, succumbing to peer pressure, insert-excuse-here.

But I won't. I did a stupid thing. I take responsibility for my actions.

Years later I learned from it, which is a good thing. Although still crappy, it wasn't a total waste.

I'll always wonder what happened to him. And I'll always want to say I'm sorry.

D