Thursday, September 6, 2007

Brian Rowe

First tho', I *finally* caught up on homework! Just in time too since I have to create a 765 page web collection in 2 weeks. |-|

Anyway, I was thinking of that list I mentioned before. I'm having a hard time figuring out what to write. :p I'll get to it, but right now I'm having writer's block. It'll come to me eventually.

However, the subject line is another thing from my past that I thought of recently. Brian Rowe. That subject is probably one of the very few things in life that comes closest to an actual regret.

I don't regret anything I've done, even if it was wrong. Even if I knew it was wrong. All of those things, good and bad, have made me what I am today. Without them, I wouldn't be me and I like who and what I am today. But I digress.

Brian Rowe was a boy I knew in junior high school. He was really cute and super nice, as far as I can remember anyway. We dated for a while, during that innocent time when I didn't really know what that meant. Y'know, when holding hands made you blush and you had only heard what french kissing was. (I think that's different than kids today...)

Anyway, I really liked him. Unfortunately, I didn't have the courage to stay with him.

I had a friend at the time, Danielle, that had a lot of... opinions. When she found out who I was dating, I never stopped hearing how bad he was, how he wasn't good enough for me, he wasn't tall enough, he wasn't, he wasn't, he wasn't. I didn't have the courage to stand up to her, after all, she was my friend, right? She was looking out for me, for my best interest.


I broke up with him for no good reason. I never really talked to him again. I think his parents were divorced and he moved away with one of them. I have a hard time remembering it all now. I do remember his brother, who was in a grade above us, was still at school until he, too, moved away.

Danielle and I didn't stay friends long. I realized, too late for Brian, that she wasn't that great a friend.

Anyway, I've always wondered what happened to him. I never got a chance to say I was sorry. I never got a chance to explain that I just didn't know who I was, that I didn't have the courage to tell Danielle to pound sand. I shouldn't have listened to her, obviously, but I did. It's something that I *still* feel pretty crappy about.

I wonder what would've happened if I had. Would I have lost a friend? Would it have mattered? We probably would've broken up over some silly fight that kids break up over anyway, but still.

I could justify it or excuse it as me just being young, not knowing enough about life, succumbing to peer pressure, insert-excuse-here.

But I won't. I did a stupid thing. I take responsibility for my actions.

Years later I learned from it, which is a good thing. Although still crappy, it wasn't a total waste.

I'll always wonder what happened to him. And I'll always want to say I'm sorry.


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