Monday, March 31, 2008


I'd really like to know what happens to the weekends. It seems like they just get here and then they're gone.

I can tell Spring is here because Tweak's allergies are starting up. It's funny that hers hit before mine.

The first flyball practice was ok. I got her to stretch out her spitting from before the first jump to after the first jump. Apparently it clicked in her head on the 2 hr drive to the second practice because she was doing full runs by the end of the second practice without spitting.

One of the things I was taught in dog training was to wait. Show them something, give it some time, then go back to it. I had forgotten about that and was happy for the reminder.

After sweating my butt off for a few hours in the am and then again in the pm, I met up with George for a literal walk down memory lane. We walked by my old house, friend's old houses, stores we used to visit, and the school we used to go to. We told stories as we walked and had a good time reminiscing.

Then it was home for all the normal crap. Dinner, laundry, dogs, dishes, etc., etc.

Tonight we're doing it up right for a friend's birthday. I should really see if I can get a designated driver. :p

But now I'm going to change into my gym clothes and head to work. I think I like the getting ready at work thing but it's really too soon to tell for sure.


Sunday, March 30, 2008

A new stage in my life...

I guess I should get used to people looking at me as a freak. The people that know me won't, although they'll have an opinion or two on the tattoo.

People that don't know me? Well, I think I've hurt my ability to be taken seriously while wearing a sleeveless shirt.

I knew that going into it and I'm ok with it. It's just an observation based on the looks I got yesterday.

There are times when I like being an oxymoron. I don't think you should judge a book by its cover and if I can twist even one person's mind into thinking about something before jumping to a conclusion, my job is done.

Over the next couple of months I will keep track of the reactions I get, what people say, and what I think is going behind the wide-eyed expressions. It will be interesting to see if there's a trend of discrimination or if it's situational.

Why I think of this stuff first thing in the morning I'll never know.


Saturday, March 29, 2008


On March 27th, 2008 I wrote the following:

"(The pain isn't bad at all, it's more annoying than anything else.)"

After yesterday's 3 hour session where the lines were done for my Phoenix, I am recanting that statement. I lied. I lied my fucking ass off.

Technically it wasn't a lie since I didn't really know any better but it was an untruth nonetheless.

The inside of your elbow? Hurts. Swearing kind of hurts. Eyes wide, teeth clenched kind of pain.

The elbow itself? Hurts more. Swearing and holding on to things like your life depends on it. Eyes squinted shut, sweat starting to build on your forehead kind of pain.

The inside and/or back of your arm? Inferno pain. Someone pulling your intestines out through your nose without anesthesia kind of pain. I threatened bodily harm... actually, I think I promised bodily harm.

Clearly I was talking out of my ass when I wrote that statement a couple of days ago. So don't listen to me again. Ever. Clearly, I'm an idiot. Clearly.

The rest of my arm was ok, not necessarily painful, more annoying than anything else. That statement doesn't mean I wasn't full of shit earlier. And you still shouldn't listen to me ever again.

My arm feels like a cat used it as a scratching post... Ok, maybe 6 cats. It's not that bad, as long as nothing touches it and I don't move it.

Apparently I am a masochist. Good to know.

In two weeks I'll go back and we'll do the shading and maybe some color. It will take 2 or 3 more sittings for it to be finished.

Oh, did I mention that it's a little bigger than originally planned? It was always going to be pretty big, just not *as* big. It's a little over a half sleeve, meaning, it goes from the top of my shoulder to about 2 inches past my elbow. So it's a little bigger than originally planned. :)

Ken will be able to get some sick detail in it and I'm totally in love with it. It will be quite the amazing piece when it's done.

Ok, enough about the tattoo. You'll see pictures once the florescent red and purple bruises disappear. And no, I'm not kidding.

Moving on.

I went out to breakfast with Sue & Neely this morning at the diner down the street. I was hoping we'd be able to go out for a little girl pampering sometime this weekend and when I mentioned it, she was all over it. She went home and made reservations for us. I went home and finished all of my homework in 20 minutes.

Then Sue and I went for pedicures. After that we stopped at one of our favorite discount places and then headed over to one of our favorite butcher shops. We hung out at Sue's for the rest of the afternoon, playing with the baby, chatting, and watching really bad shows on the Food Network while Chris uploaded a boat load of music on to my iPod.

I was hoping to do a bunch of yard work today but the snow on the ground kind of prevented me from doing that. So instead, I'm going to relax tonight and watch a bunch of West Wing episodes. The pups are hanging out while dinner cooks and I relax.

There's flyball practice in the morning and the afternoon tomorrow but that's about it for the day.

I'm going to relax now and *not* move my arm.


Friday, March 28, 2008

High on Life...

Who needs drugs when you can be totally high on life?

I need to make a small correction on one of last week's posts. I erroneously reported that Susan said I was a snob. She did not say I was a snob, she said I was arrogant. Two totally different things. I will, however, agree slightly more on the arrogant statement.

There I am, right upstairs in the Blue Room and I am not ashamed to admit it.

Seriously, not even the snow can bring me down today. It looks like there are cotton balls falling from the sky the flakes are so big. Honestly, I'm not even exaggerating in the least bit.

Anyway, yesterday afternoon I came up with a solution that fixes multiple issues we have with a security model. Other people have been working on this problem for the last two years and we haven't made any progress on it. So I think it's kinda understandable that I'm patting myself on the back for solving a 2 year old problem that no one else did.

I was in a good mood when I left work yesterday - first time in a really, really long time. That's carried over into today.

It's tattoo day. Another reason for me to be bouncing-off-the-walls deliriously happy.

Then, I had a conversation with a friend in another department this morning. I've been talking to them about potentially doing some work for them sometime this spring. Working for a government contractor is a little different in that you have to wait for just about everything. Right now we're waiting for a few projects to come in before I can softshell over to them part-time. That's actually the bad news of the conversation.

The good news of the conversation was his declaration that they want me on their team and are doing everything they can to make that happen. I've wanted to be on their team for a while, but I had no idea they liked my energy and wanted me just as badly. Sweet! He was surprised I didn't know how much I was wanted.

Seriously, I'm buying a freakin' lottery ticket today because I'm really not sure what could bring me down right now.


Today is tattoo day & WTF?

Today is tattoo day and I couldn't be *more* excited! I think Lacey is coming with me - if she's back from NY that is.

The WTF is for the SNOW that is falling from the sky right now. Clearly I need to pay better attention to the weather because I was *not* prepared for snow. I think I even looked at the weather the other day.

I was going to do a whole bunch of yard work on Saturday. I can't do it if it's covered in snow for pete's sake. Ugh!

But, that's ok. I might even be around some other weekend in the next couple of weeks to do it. Maybe.

I've noticed lately that showering twice a day is really not the best thing for my hair or skin. So, I'm going to try something different today. I'm leaving here in about 1/2 hour, will go to the gym at work, and will get ready for the day after my workout. I'll try that and see how it goes for a while.

Did I mention today was tattoo day?


Thursday, March 27, 2008

Tomorrow is tattoo day!

I'm still pretty damn excited about it, if you couldn't tell....

Planning is in full force for dog Camp this year. In case you aren't aware, I drive down to New Jersey every Memorial Day weekend and teach classes at Camp Barking Hills. It is *always* a blast and I *love* going.

Some classes I teach are the same - I always teach flyball, I always teach a tricks class, etc., etc. But every year we try to come up with something new so the people that have attended before have new and exciting things to go to.

I'm sure I'm forgetting something but this is what I'm teaching this year: Shaping, Flyball, Tricks, Improving Clicker Skills, Intro to Disc Dog, Dog Day of Beauty (you'd be *amazed* at how many people don't know how to cut or dremel their dogs nails - it's mind boggling), Dealing with Fears & Phobias, Building Drive, and one or two others.

I found out there is someone from Mass heading down this year. That's pretty cool! I hope they have a kick-ass time, tell all their friends and come back next year! Actually, it's kind of hard not to. If you have a dog, you should come to.

Going back to the tattoo, as I'm sure you can imagine, I've been telling everyone I know and anyone that will listen that I'm getting it done. In those discussions, I was asked if I was masochistic and I'm really not sure I have an answer to that one.

I think tattoos are incredibly fascinating and beautiful. I don't know why it's acceptable to accent every other part of our life with color, but not our skin. (I will admit that they are more acceptable as time goes on.) For me, there is a line where it goes from beautiful and expressive to too much. If you can't clearly see what's going on, I think it's too much. At the same time, I have many friends that are completely sleeved and I love all of the tattoos they have. It's a personal preference thing.

So now I have to ponder whether or not I am masochistic because I'm getting expressive artwork on my body and it hurts to do so. (The pain isn't bad at all, it's more annoying than anything else.) I'm leaning towards the "No" side of the house there as I don't often go looking for pain. A little hair pulling is ok... haha, just kidding. Can you be masochistic in one thing? So, I am masochistic when it comes to tattooing but I'm not for everything else (except flyball)? I don't know if that's an acceptable answer, but that's what I'm going with.

Sometimes, I am; mostly, I'm not. Final answer.


Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Friday = Tattoo day!!!

I am so freakin' excited I don't even know what to do with myself.

I talked to Ken tonight. We threw around a few ideas for my next tattoo - a Japanese style dragon that incorporated and surrounded my Ouroboros. The Ouroboros would be like a stamp and we'd add in a background that made it all look pretty.

And that's what we were going with.

Until I started looking around at Japanese dragon artwork online. Then it came to me. A Phoenix.

That's perfect!!!

I called Ken back and explained what I was thinking. He was just as excited as I was, claiming he just had a mental orgasm.


So I'm going to have this big beautiful Phoenix on my left arm come Friday night.

I'm so excited I could pee my pants!

Anyone want to go with?


I'm reading...

I have 15 chapters split between 3 books to read tonight. It's a good thing I'm an excellent skimmer. Even so, it's gonna take some time so here's a shorty.

Work was sooooo much better than yesterday. Doesn't mean I couldn't use a beer tonight (which I will probably open), but I didn't want to cry myself to sleep like yesterday. Always a bonus.

Millie woke me up at 4am because of a hairball or something caught in her throat. I fell back asleep after completely panicking but it wasn't until 5:30am, which of course made me smack the shit out of my alarm at 6:20am, 6:30am, 6:40am and 6:50am until I got up at 7am. Thank goodness for snooze.

I've got about 50% hearing in one ear, still deaf in the other. I still can't hear myself singing in the car, but that's probably a good thing anyway. There's a reason why I don't sing in front of people y'know.

I started putting together an outline for a dream I had last week or the week before. I'm hoping for a book but it might just be a really long short story or something.

Th-th-th-th-that's all folks.


Monday, March 24, 2008


What a suck ass day that was.

I feel like I just got screwed with my pants on.

(Thank you, thank you very much.)

Damn. If I had known today was really going to be *as* bad as it was, I probably would've swerved into a tree on my way to work just to get out of it.

First, going to meetings when you can't hear? A big old fat waste of my fucking time. Not even joking, not even a little bit. I should have had a freakin' interpreter or a court stenographer or something.

Second, finding out that my friend was just fired and escorted from the building for doing little more than having a different communication style than her boss? So not fucking cool. I understand it's the nature of the business, blah, blah, fucking blah. I still should not have to comfort my friend in the fucking parking lot because her manager practices Bad Management 101 and has the tolerance level of a gnat.

Third, finding out some of the production issues that happened while my brain was leaking out of my ears was unsettling. Considering half of them were self service application and security issues (yeah, that would be my "specialty"), you could say I was less than pleased.

Fourth, I got *nothing* done today. Zilch. Zero. Nada. Nothing.

Now would be about the time to shoot me.

Come 5 o'clock I said screw it and went to the Fish for a few beers with a friend. I had a good time talking but I needed about 6 more and I couldn't have them because I had to drive home. I really would've liked to have taken the coward's way out tonight and poured myself into bed after a night of heavy drinking and debauchery.

But I didn't. I instead came home at a decent hour, took care of the dogs and promptly sat down to catch up on homework. I was actually quite the productive little beaver. Personally, I think the beer helped.

Oh, and George, I *was* in your head. If you want some real fun, come visit mine. It's quite the party, if I do say so myself. And I still have no fucking idea what a long days night means. Are you referring to Blue Oyster Cult? Are you saying I need to wait until the summer solstice? If so, that's sooo not going to work for me. Please explain.

My big accomplishment of the night, besides homework? I got the recycling out. Since it's picked up every other week, I usually forget and only get it right when I have about 2 months worth of paper in the kitchen and both recycling bins overflowing. Not this time. This time I nailed it.

Hey, after such a cluster fuck of a day, I need to give myself props where I can.

I'm going to bed.


Girder by Nan Cohen

The simplest of bridges, a promise
that you will go forward,

that you can come back.
So you cross over.

It says you can come back.
So you go forward.

But even if you come back
then you must go forward.

I am always either going back
or coming forward. There is always

something I have to carry,
something I leave behind.

I am a figure in a logic problem,
standing on one shore

with the things I cannot leave,
looking across at what I cannot have.

new things...

They say you learn something new everyday. I would agree with that statement as I am always learning new things.

For example, yesterday I learned that it doesn't really matter how loud the music in the car is, if you can't hear it, you can't sing well to it. Of course that is supposition since I couldn't actually hear myself singing. Ah well, I had fun anyway.

This morning I learned that alarm clocks are only effective if you can hear them. Something I could've guessed correctly if given the scenario hypothetically but not one that I thought of last night as I set it. Go figure.

Luckily, the puppy decided she had had enough sleep around the same time it went off and became a vulture - sitting next to my head and hanging over me until I woke up. She's so helpful sometimes.

I had a dream that I crashed and burned at the Tricks demo in a couple of weeks. That was nice. I'm hoping, of course, that the actual outcome is a little bit different. Since it was held in a Good Times/arcade type of place in my dream and not the Mass School of Law courtroom, I think I'll be ok.

I have 3 days left of this class and 3 speeches to record and submit so I doubt I'll get any West Wing time in tonight. I also have to create the outlines, power point presentations, and audience analysis for each. Talk about fun stuff.

Flyball practice went pretty well yesterday. She's coming along faster than I thought she would be. She spits the ball out over the first jump on her way back to me so we'll be doing a lot of retrieving and playing with the ball this week. Sans Freddie or he'll be hanging off her pants (long hair covering the back of her legs/ass) trying to get the ball. I'll change up her afternoon play time - bring the Chuck it down the park instead of the frisbee.

I caught up with Sue last night and had a bit of a meltdown. Too much stuff going through my head and she got the brain dump, the tears, the tantrum, all of it. I needed something to do while talking to her - y'know, keeping my hands busy, so I kinda demo'ed the bathroom. I have pink and maroon tiles on the bathroom walls. Hmm... I guess I should say I *had* pink and maroon tiles on the bathroom walls. Anyway, I don't like it, never have, and always planned on removing it. I really hadn't decided when I was going to do it but apparently it will now be soon.

It was better than having a cigarette. Speaking of which, I think today is 65 days. Go me.

I stopped by my grandparents after practice to give her a card and Easter present. Clearly it's not my thing, but it's hers and I respect everyone's beliefs. She was deaf, I was deaf, my aunt was interpreting for both of us - chock full of good times. :p

My grandfather is deteriorating fairly rapidly now. He no longer cares for himself like he should and he sleeps all the time. I don't think he will be around much longer and that saddens me to no end. He was a very strong man and I think if he had his wits about him, he'd be upset to see how much he's faded. I think the family will go through a very trying time at some point this year and I would do anything in this world to stop it.

I'm both excited to go to and dreading work today. Sigh.

Wish me luck.


Sunday, March 23, 2008

I'm awake...

Millie and Tweak did not get baths yesterday like I had planned. I pretty much got everything else done, but I ran out of time and desire for that one.

The dog that needed the bath the most, Millie, is now playing with a freshly bathed dog, Tweak, as I type. Tweak is a Border Collie. Border Collie's can have long hair. Tweak has long hair. Occasionally, Border Collie's get stuff stuck in their long hair. Tweak got stuff stuck in her long hair this morning. What did Tweak have stuck in her long hair this morning?

What I like to call a dingleberry, aka Poop on a Rope.

As you can see, I am quite awake at this point, versus the groggy'ish state I was in before. My bathroom floor is now clean, as is the wall since Tweak loves to rub herself on everything and anything she can when wet which requires me to go back and remove the dog hair painting she leaves behind.

Yes, I am awake. ThankfulLy she dries ridiculously quickly.

I was talking to Susan last night about a variety of topics, as is our norm, when we, for the 6th time, covered some West Wing'isms I had just learned. One of the things she's said frequently to me was that she liked smart people that disagree with her. That was a West Wing'ism that I didn't know was one. But she's adopted it as her own and we have fascinating discussions because we don't always see eye to eye on stuff.

While talking she guessed my IQ. She gave herself a 10 point give or take and guessed the number. She was not in the ballpark or on the same street, she was dead on. As in exact. Freaky.

Then she called me abnormal. I really couldn't argue with her there. I don't think I have all the same priorities in life as people my age. Maybe I do and I'm just not giving people enough credit. But I can tell you I haven't been able to see that through their shallow actions. After saying something similar to that, she called me a snob.

Really? Me? Seriously?

Apparently my intolerance for stupid people precedes me and makes me a snob. Ok, I can kind of see that.

Then she explained what she meant by abnormal. My IQ is up there. It's not at scary genius level or anything but it's up there. Did you know the average IQ is 100 points? I didn't. She went on to say that if I had the same number of points on the other side of 100, I'd have moderate retardation. Why anyone knows this off the top of their head is absolutely beyond me but is also one of the bizarre things I like about Susan - useless knowledge.

This gifted snob is now going to jump in the shower so she can drive 2 hours to Vermont for a 2 hour flyball practice and a 2 hour drive home.

Clearly intelligence potential isn't everything...


Saturday, March 22, 2008


I miss you too.


just another day...

I have stuff to do, a list of things actually, but nothing earth shattering. Just your run of the mill day-to-day stuff.

Millie and Tweak are getting baths today. I was waiting for the weather to warm up a bit and 50 is better than 30.

I have to get fabric at Joanne's. I need to make a million tug toys to sell at all of the flyball demonstrations we do. Plus I'd like to sell some at Camp too.

I need to stop by HD and pick up more tubing for handles; probably get more rope too.

I also need to go by Newbury Comics and get Season Two of the West Wing. I watched the first season's finale last night and I think I'm going to pull my hair out if I don't see what happens.

I should go and pick up more dog food and treats since Pacie ripped through the bag and ate about 10 lbs of dog cookies. The bad news is that he ate 10 lbs of dog cookies and looked extremely uncomfortable, and fat, for a few days. The good news is that I no longer have to try and put weight on him.

I have homework to do, plus I need to sign up for my next class, which starts Thursday, and buy books for said class so I can graduate in May. I really just haven't been into school lately and being sick didn't help.

Speaking of being sick, I'm better. I still tire more easily than before. I still can't hear shit, which makes the thought of me out on the road in weekend traffic not just a little bit scary.

I need to get in touch with Donna so we can add/change some stuff to her site. It's probably close to redesign time as well. Websites only last a few years before they get old. First I have to finish Susan's site and the 14 smaller ones she has hanging off of it. Add that to the list of things to do. I *must* have it done by Camp, that's for sure.

I'm babbling about nothing substantive. Time to get the day started.


Friday, March 21, 2008

well fine...

If you're going to read my blog 10 times a day and still not tell me who you are even though I've come right out and have asked you, that's fine. Just know that I think you're a super huge wimp. And no George, it isn't you. :)

I think my hearing is getting a little better. I turned the TV on to watch an episode of West Wing and it was really, really loud. I guess I should send an apology to the nuns.

I spent today doing homework, took Tweak down to the park to throw the frisbee, then I took a nap, then I did more homework and now I am getting prepared to have another West Wing marathon.

When I took Tweak to the park, I realized, when my hair started acting like Medusa's, that it was windy out. Throwing the frisbee in hurricane winds is....different. The frisbee hangs a bit diiferent, it carries longer sometimes and not so long other times. I guess it was good practice for her to track it in its erratic state and good for me to throw it with it that windy.

Tweak is laying next to me while I'm laughing my ass off at the West Wing.

I'm not a big political person, so I wasn't very interested in the West Wing when it was on. Susan, however, was a huge fan and continuously peppers me with West Wing'isms that usually have me spewing out whatever beverage I happen to be drinking at the time. She sent me a fabulous care package when I was sick and in it was season one of the West Wing. I can see that at some point I will need to watch and re-watch the DVDs again so I can write down all the West Wing'isms to use in my private life as often as possible.

Damn. I can't wait to be able to slap these things around. :)


Who are you?

You, who's found me 4 times today and it's just past noon.

Who are you?

You, who's looked for me up to 10 times a day?

I'd like to know.

Will you tell me?


wandering aimlessly...

I've got too much on my mind and none of it I want to write about. So, I wander aimlessly around the house, over-thinking.

Over-thinking is something I am, unfortunately, very good at. I'm convinced I can find a solution if I can just see every scenario. If I can play out every possibility in my mind, then surely the right answer will come to me.

That works wonders when I need to decide something for myself - not so much when there are other people involved. Since that's 99% of the time, you can see how my over-thinking is a huge waste of time. I know it, in my head, but there's very little I can do to stop it.

So I wander around aimlessly, still pretty much deaf from being sick, in a world entirely of my own making.

Shoulda, woulda, coulda. Otherwise known as counterfactual thinking, these words haunt a good majority of people when things don't quite go their way. Thinking of the shoulda, woulda, coulda's is actually counterproductive for a healthy mental state as it focuses on what should/would/could be instead of what is. What is, is what people need to think about and deal with, not the shoulda, woulda, couldas.

But, it's hard not to go there, right? If only I had left the house 10 minutes earlier (a big one of mine), I should've known, I could've tried, I would've succeeded, all good examples of counterfactual thinking.

Not surprisingly, in my over-thinking process I hit upon the shoulda, woulda, coulda's. (I'm not sure there's anything I *don't* hit upon while over-thinking, actually.) Also not surprisingly, it just gives me more to think about.

I know I do this. I know it's probably not the best thing for me. But, like wearing my emotions on my sleeve, it's just a part of who I am. I've tried to change it but was unsuccessful and after more soul searching, I'm ok with that.

Today is my last day at home as I need to return to the office on Monday. It will be good to get out of the house again - good to have some semblance of a life again. I hope I get my hearing back before Monday as meetings will be very difficult for me if I don't. It's a good thing I'm fairly fluent in sign language - at least I have a way to communicate. I have that going for me, which is nice.

So, to stop myself from wandering around the house, leaning against a wall while gazing sightlessly in front of me, I'll do what I normally do to get myself out of an over-thinking phase - work. Homework, to be more precise. I will do nothing but homework all day long. It keeps my mind busy, I get things done and feel productive, and not fail class. All good things.


Thursday, March 20, 2008


Life isn't fair.

Everyone knows it, everyone says it, and most people can pull at least one example a day from their lives to show just how unfair it is.

I know life isn't fair. I understand it, but I don't have to like it. Tonight, I don't particularly like it at all.

I try to be fair in almost everything I do. If I get shotgun on the ride out, it's only fair that someone else gets it on the ride back. Simple little things, nothing of any great consequence. After all, I am just me and I don't have any pull, power, or control over anything.

I know life isn't fair. I'm used to my share of curve balls. But I don't have to like it, not one bit.

And I don't.


Wednesday, March 19, 2008

just thinking...

I'm a simple person, quite unremarkable really. I never had aspirations of being great or famous or rich or a rock star or even an important scientist. I mean, I dreamed of being those things from time to time, but I didn't want to actually be them. I knew pretty early on that my life was going to be fairly normal - I'd work for what I got, I'd spend time with family and friends, I'd go through life with a routine, and that was quite alright with me.

Nothing has changed. I still don't want to lose my privacy by being famous. I don't want to lose my life in researching great things as a scientist. I go to work, come home, spend time with the dogs, family, and friends. Life is good. Sometimes predictable, sometimes not.

The only difference between what I thought my life would be like and what my life is actually like is the lack of a partner. That's really it. I've had a good life so far and I can only imagine that it will be greater, no matter what trials and tribulations some force of nature feels I need to face.

I have been in one long-term relationship after another since I was 15. I removed myself from the dating world after the last relationship so I could reconvene with myself. Find out who I was, who I turned out to be while caring for all of these other people. That was 4 years ago and I've done a good job, I think, in really just being me these past couple of years.

I've learned I'm a lot more sarcastic and cynical than I once thought. I've learned that I really have very little patience for people who think they truly are the only ones that matter in the world. I've learned that as much as I like to sit on my high horse, I'm no better or worse than anyone else. I like to think I have a strong set of morals, but I've realized they are not stronger or weaker than anyone else's. I'm a middle of the road kind of gal and after a lot of soul searching, I'm ok with that.

I don't need fancy things. I don't want a gargantuan house that I won't be able to keep clean. I don't need tons of money in the bank or a high end car to feel good about myself. I've gone through the stages, learned a LOT in the last relationship, where nothing was good enough ever unless it was the best money could buy. I think people confuse money and things for happiness. I'm sure there was a point in my life when I did the same thing. Now, not so much.

Happiness first comes from within. All those sayings are true. If you don't love yourself, you won't be able to love others. If you aren't happy with yourself, no person or thing will make you happy. Sometimes it may seem like you are, but you're really not. There will always be things to improve upon, work on, and fix throughout life. Nothing is perfect nor would I want perfection in the literal sense.

Where is this going? I don't know. Just thinking out loud I guess.

I started out feeling pretty good, then started getting a little sad while writing. The only part missing is a partner. Someone to share all of this with, someone to laugh with all the time because I like to laugh. A lot, actually. I like to have fun and want someone who shares a lot of the same interests. That's really the only thing that's missing and occasionally I'm sad about that.

And then I get a phone call from Susan, who manages to put everything into perspective for me once again.

Susan does pet therapy for terminal children and today is hospital day. Her clients? A 6 year old girl that was dragged 160 feet under a car and a 5 year old girl who probably won't survive the pet therapy visit.

I hope your problems seem as insignificant as mine do.


Monday, March 17, 2008

Movie Marathon

So I did watch all the movies I said I was in the mood for. Plus finished up the night with Who Framed Roger Rabbit. :p I love that movie. :)

Today there isn't much on the plate. I'm feeling ok, not great. I have an appt with my Doctor this afternoon to go over test results and figure out when she'll let me back to work. (I pray it's before I really go stir crazy and rip every piece of hair from my head.)

But I thought I'd watch another movie this morning - Sliding Doors. I love thinking of the possibilities of what should have happened versus what could've happened for each moment and how the roads would be different for each. The number of possibilities is absolutely staggering (far more than the US is in debt even) and makes my head spin thinking about it.

Having lived where I've both missed the door and caught the door, well, I wonder about the timing of it all. I won't go all Twilight Zone and talk about the theories of different universes parallel to our own where those other lives are living on. 'Cuz that would be a little too strange, perhaps?

Whatever. All I know is that I'm still sick and I still hate it. I know I still can't hear out of my left ear. I know that I have a 13 month old Border Collie that's going to start doing box turns off the walls if I don't get some energy out of her. I know that I'll keep writing meaningless things on here if I have too much time on my hands.


Sunday, March 16, 2008

Please answer this for me.

I'm sure everyone has seen it at some point in their lives.

In a Warner Brothers cartoon, there's a homely looking hen that chases around every guy saying "A ma-an!"

Does anyone know the name of that hen?

That was what Millie resembled this afternoon when she got to chase after Jeter chirping her little heart out. She was scrambling around out there, doing the zoomies while chasing him the whole time. She's a freakin' riot.

So, as soon as I know what the name of that hen was, that will be her new nickname. :)

Leave it as an anonymous comment. :)


Tweak is tired...

...not as much as I'd like, but she's kinda tired. :)

Cindy came by with Jeter and Mattingly today. Tweak and Millie got oh so very excited and played with them for what seemed like hours outside.

Cindy threw the frisbee for Tweak and Mattingly for about an hour. Tweak was actually really, really funny! She was guarding both of the frisbees and wouldn't let Mattingly or Jeter have either of them, regardless if she already had one or not.

I'll have to be cautious when choosing my next puppy....

Anyway, Tweak is lying down, which is kinda like being tired, chewing on a marrow bone. Millie's already ate her bone and is passed out beside me. She most definitely *is* tired. :)


the good guy...

I just realized that the good guy that helps Violet out in Ultra Violet and the Resistance Leader in Equilibrium are the same man.



Yarblek the jailer

I called my sister to see if she was going to come and help me today. Normally I don't like accepting help but there are times when it sounds like a good idea. Typically, if I think it's a good idea, it's beyond necessary.

Anyway, I told her I wanted to hit the supermarket and stop at Home Depot so I could look at the different kinds of rope they have. She says No.

Huh? I just need to run in and see what kind of rope they have.

She says she's putting her foot down on this one. That I'm too sick and shouldn't be out. She will not bring me anywhere.

Are you kidding me?

Nope. She's not kidding. Not even a little bit.

I have no idea how to tell her what I need. I don't know the gauges of the rope, what thickness, nothing.

I tried arguing with her but it didn't work. I told her I'd look online and let her know what I needed.

She told me not to leave the house. That I'm too sick I can't handle it.

Heh. Ok, Yarblek the jailer.

Well of course that's exactly what I went and did. I ran to Home Depot to look at what they had, what I thought would work. I found the tubing I needed to make the handles. At that point, I said screw it. I just bought everything I found rather than try and explain it to her.

Thankfully she didn't ask me ab0ut it when she called back but boy is she gonna be pissed when she reads this on Monday.

The sucky part?

She was right. I'm too sick to be out.

Remember yesterday's lesson about bending over? Yeah, still a really bad idea. Doing it in a public place? *Worse* idea.

So Cal, laugh all you want. You were right.


p.s. You can stop laughing now...

Not as good as I thought...

Yesterday there was such a marked difference in how I was feeling I was sure I was on the road to recovery and would bounce back in just a matter of days.

While I may very well be on the road to recovery, I realized this morning that I'm still pretty sick. Too sick to go to flyball practice, too sick to go to the grocery store (even with help), too sick to do anything but lie on this couch and stare at this screen. Bah. I hate being sick.

Susan will be pleased to know that I realized what my limitations are. She wasn't far from driving up here and tying me down just so I'd get some rest. I can now see why yesterday's bravado looked foolish.

Because I'm still not well. I'm still pretty sick, actually. No matter how much I may like to deny it so I can get on with any kind of semblance of a normal life. Again, Denial is a great place to visit, not-so-great place to live.

(George understands that, don'cha George?)

Anyway, I am a little troubled by still being deaf in my left ear. I'm really not pleased with that at all. Today, my right ear is all fuzzy as well. Probably normal, but unnerving nonetheless.

My sore throat is mostly gone, which is a great relief! You wouldn't believe how many times in a day one swallows.

I still have the hot/cold flashes from having a fever, I'm still sinusly congested. I'm still limited in breathing and have a cough. And although my body aches are gone my body is physically tired.

I am not the best sick person. I will do everything they tell me to do but I will bitch about it the whole time insisting I'm fine. You know I'm really not fine when I'm not arguing with you about how fine I am.

I did make myself a nice, hot, steaming, delicious cup of coffee this morning, however. Just for a tiny taste of normal life. I'm sure my body will rebel at some point (I don't know who taught it that, rebelling against coffee is just plain wrong,) but I will enjoy my yummy mug of Kona blend coffee to the very last drop.

I'm feeling.... introspective.... no, that's not right... reflective, I think(?), today. I can't quite come up with how to describe how I'm feeling but I'm in the mood to watch movies like V for Vendetta, Equilibrium, and UltraViolet.

I think I'll do that now.


(I can foresee having a lot to say again today.... being stuck in the fucking house again and all.)

Saturday, March 15, 2008


Day two of antibiotics find me feeling somewhat human again. I'm deaf in the ear that was leaking pus - not quite sure what to think about that one. Weird, huh?

I'm pissed that I have the capacity to form somewhat intelligent thought, but can't do more than wash 3 cups before I start sweating and getting dizzy. I mean, really, that's just silly.

But overall I am feeling better than I have all week so I won't complain.... too much. I am still pissed I'm not in PA throwing the frisbee for Tweak. I am still pissed that I'm not getting the wrapping lessons from Susan. I am still pissed I can't go over my first aid kit with her. I am still pissed I'm still here and not out doing what I've been planning on for over a month. I am still pissed that Susan & Donna get to watch the movies the dogs were in a few weeks ago tonight and I'm not there to watch it with them. I am still pissed about all of that stuff.

Blah, blah, blah. I know, whatever. Who cares.

By the way, bending over? Bad. Very, very bad. Just thought I'd share.

I've sailed right by petulance and landed in Whiney town. You know how I say Denial is a nice place to visit but a shitty place to live? I should really say the same thing about Whiney town.

I wish my brain would recover at the same speed as my body recovers. Then I wouldn't know, or care, what my limitations are.

I want to get out of the house. I want to go to practice tomorrow. I want to stop being sick. I want to go outside and get some energy out of my Border Collie. I want to be able to hear again.

I want. I want. I want.


Even I am disgusted with myself at this point...


Friday, March 14, 2008

I am so sick and fucking tired...

...of being sick and fucking tired.

Not only did I miss the ONE freakin' class that I *REALLY* wanted to take, I'm also not traveling this weekend. If you only knew just how pissed off I am at that tiny little factoid, you'd stop reading and go hide. (I have a feeling the language may end up being slightly sarcastic and a tiny bit harsh going forward. Mom, you might want to stop reading now.)

Monday: Woke up with a really, really sore throat, a fever, & body aches. Went to the Dr. I have the flu.

Tuesday: Still had the sore throat, fever, & body aches, I think I gained sinus congestion on this day.

Wednesday: Still had the sore throat, fever, body aches, & congestion. My ears started hurting on this day. Called the Doctor. I still had the flu.

Thursday: Still had the sore throat, fever, body aches, congestion, and ear aches. This was the day the headache came in and took over along with a cough that came out of nowhere. Oh, and my ears started leaking something. Hmm.

Friday: Still had the sore throat, fever, body aches, congestion, ear aches, ear leaking, headache, & cough. I had to sleep (using the word "sleep" *very* loosely...) on my left side Thursday night or my left ear would fill with something (I later identified as pus) and hurt like a mother fucker. Called the Doctor. That's not good. Can you come in at 9:50am?

What do you mean "That's not good?" I don't want to hear that. I've been laying down with tears falling from my eyes, too tired and in too much pain to actually cry for the last 3 days and you say that's not good *now*? I don't want to fucking hear that at all thank-you-very-much.

At this point, there are very few orifices left on my body that aren't producing something you really don't need a vivid description of. Suffice it to say it's all judged by color. Certain colors are good, or normal, and other colors are bad. (I learn this from my EMT friend later, which explains the doctor's reaction...) Apparently I had really bad colors.

"You need antibiotics."

No shit, Sherlock. I hit that conclusion on Wednesday. Where the fuck were you?

Off to the hospital for tests and the drugstore for drugs.

I'll cut in here and say that having me drive from my house to the Doctor's office...not a good idea. Seriously, I shouldn't be allowed *near* any kind of moving machinery, never mind one that can cause mass amounts of desctruction. But, living alone I have very little choice in the matter. Still, not a good idea at all.

I get to the hospital and a worker takes pity on my dazed expression trying to decipher where it I need to go while looking at the 'You are here' map. She tells me exactly where to go and what I need to do. This is exactly what I need - someone to do my thinking for me! Clearly, not my strong point right now. I can't hear a goddamn thing and mucous is flying out of my head faster than I can blink. I shouldn't be trying to figure things out. This is the ideal time for someone to take charge and just tell me what to do.

Normally that doesn't work out so well for me. Today, well, it would've been (and was) a blessing.

I get some blood work done and a couple of chest xrays. I find out where making sure I don't have pneumonia. Well that's good. I'd like to not have pneumonia as well. Or if I do, I'd like to know about it. Pneumonia sucks, big time.

So, that's where I am now. Pretty much where I was on Monday but 5 times as worse. I didn't make it to the class I wanted to and I am not making it to my frisbee competition in PA this weekend. I'm pissed off at the world for both of those things, much more so for not being able to make the competition. Tweak hates the world too, she just doesn't know how to show it. :p

I have been well aware of the word "irony" from a very, very young age. It was a life lesson learned quite early; probably unfortunate but true nonetheless.

A good example - After surviving on 3 shortbread cookies and 2 cups of tea per day for the past week, I figured I should try to make something with a little more substance to it. A bagel is safe. Add some peanut butter for protein, not so bad.

If you know me, you know I can put on quite the little feast for a group of people. You're coming over in an hour to swim and you're bringing 15 of your closest friends? Sure, I've got stuff in the freezer. Fire up the grill and we'll have a 4-course meal with good beer and dessert in an hour. No problem.

A bagel, however, when I'm sick? Pathetic. I stuck it in the toaster oven for the alloted time, like I do every time, and it was burnt to crisps. I throw peanut butter on it non-burnt parts, thinking I'll be able to scrape off the burnt parts. Wrong.

I ended up just scraping the peanut butter off with my teeth like a child who eats the center out of the Oreo cookie.

I sure hope I don't have to point out the irony of that situation out to you.

Millie ain't the charred remains. She's good like that. Oh wait, I guess this situation would be applicable for "I've got that going for me...... which is nice."

My old friend that I was going to hug him and kiss him and pet him and call him George is now Just George. Irony needs a fucking bitch slap sometimes.

I think that's enough for today. It's taken me just about 3 hours to write all of this.

I'll try to get some of the details from my dreams earlier down on paper and in story form. They were.... odd, to say the least but could be really cool stories! First I have to figure out what they meant.


Tuesday, March 11, 2008


I thought you were supposed to be less susceptible to colds and illness once you quit smoking? Apparently they lied.

I'm sick yet again, I have the good old fashioned flu this time around. Seriously, I have NO idea how I keep getting sick but it's really starting to piss me off.

I was supposed to be in class today - one that I *really* wanted to go to. Dammit.

My throat is burning and swallowing is next to impossible. Doctor said, rest, fluids, blah, blah, blah. Why couldn't I have had strep or something? 2 days of antibiotics and I would've been back on my feet.

If I have to miss my trip this weekend, I'm going to be so pissed it's not even funny.

Time to go lie down again....sigh.


Saturday, March 8, 2008


Does *ANYONE* out there want to do my homework for me?


I'm capable, I just don't want to do it. Very much like a petulant child.



lots of tiny things

I thought I had trained my dogs to sleep in on the weekends unless we had a flyball tournament, frisbee competition, or practice. Unfortunately for me, they weren't having any part of that this morning. Dammit.

Went shopping with Sue last night. It wasn't a good shopping day tho', no matter how hard we tried. We only got a few things but we had a great time talking!

You'll be happy to know that she thinks I think too much too. No surprise there.

I have dishes to do today. And cleaning. And homework. And I have to pick up dog food. And hit the New Balance outlet. And bring the bike to my Dad's house. And do laundry.

It seems like I'm always doing laundry. I actually don't mind doing it but I *hate* folding it all and putting it away. Absolutely hate it. Ugh.

My old friend, don't worry about multiple visits. :) I am safe. You will help me if I need it, right? Then no worries. :)

I love watching Dirty Jobs. That man has a stomach of pure steel. If I was on that show, I'd be honking every 5 minutes. Not even kidding.

I need to figure out where they sell wet suit vests. You can get them online, but I need to try one on first. The girls need to be comfortable after all. Especially since the whole purpose for it is so that Tweak can launch off of my back and vault off my chest. The girls probably ain't gonna like that.

Ok, I can smell the kitty litter box so it's time to go take care of that and get on with the day.


Friday, March 7, 2008


I love my cousin Sue. You used to see her name all over the place here before Neely was born. Now, we don't have a chance to get together or talk nearly as much as we'd like. Kids are great but they are the biggest time suck there is. Hmm... that's a correct statement, but maybe doesn't sound like I mean it. Whatever. You should know me well enough by now to know how to decipher that.

Anyway, Sue called while I was driving home from work yesterday. She had just picked up Neely and wanted to go to dinner. We met at Friendlys and spent a couple of hours playing with him, laughing both with and at him - basically amusing the kid.

Now I love the kid, I do!! Truly! But damn is it hard to have a conversation with the child around! We haven't talked in a couple of weeks and we both had so much to catch up on. I'm not sure we finished even one conversation! I know that's a reality with a child, that I totally understand. I guess I'm just not used to it. :p

Anyway, her husband had his alone time with his friends last night so Sue and I are going to Rockingham for a little shopping therapy of our own tonight...sans child. I have a few things to pick up, she needs time away and adult conversation. It's all good (or it will be.) I almost ordered a bunch of stuff from FoH online yesterday too. I'm glad I didn't - now we have another excuse to get together. :)

Yesterday Jay came up for lunch. It's been about a month since we've hung out (the birthday that shall not be mentioned, ever) so it was good to catch up. We hit the mall quickly afterwards - I wanted to see if they had something close to vet wrap at the sports store (they didn't.)

My "old friend" upped his text plan. He has *no* idea what he's in for now. :p


Thursday, March 6, 2008

For my mother...

I wrote this a while back...

She had a routine. She worked at the flower shop during the day, went home, greeted her trusty Golden Retriever Sassy, cooked dinner, and took Sassy for a walk in the woods behind her house. Life was predictable for Amy, life was good.

Tuesday started like every other Tuesday. Amy showered, packed her lunch, took Sassy for a quick walk and went to work. She loved working at the Flower Depot, creating dazzling flower arrangements to sell. She also designed the displays in the front windows. They were known throughout her tiny town as the most original and beautiful displays around. Color danced along the windows in blooms that seemed to last longer than anyone else’s flowers. Rumor had it she used magic to keep them alive for so long.

After a fulfilling day at work, Amy arrived home to the joyful barks of Sassy. With a smile on her face, she opened the door to find her best friend, tail wagging furiously, waiting for her. After feeding Sassy and grabbing a quick bite for herself, she picked up the leash, her dog jumping up excitedly in response.

They headed out the back door, both of them anxious to walk amongst the ancient trees behind the house. There was such a feeling of peace back there, the scents of nature seeping into their skin as they walked along the towering beauties. Enormous trees, easily a hundred feet tall, provided a cool canopy of shade along the path. Although there wasn’t an official walking path, Amy and Sassy had walked through it so many times they had made their own.

As they got deeper into the forest, the mottled spots of light guiding their way became dimmer. They usually walked for two hours – one hour into the forest and one hour back. During that time, Amy loved to tell Sassy all about her day – the interesting flowers the shop ordered and the wonderful people who praised her arrangements. She also told her about her most wistful dreams and her deepest desires. Amy desperately wished she could talk back. Sassy was her whole heart; her best friend in the world. “It’s starting to get dark girl, let’s turn back around and head home,” she said to Sassy.

With a woof, Sassy turned around and started walking back the way they came. Amy took a deep breath, inhaling the scent of deep, dark soil. This was the reason her blooms that lasted forever, a pinch of richly nourished earth added to each arrangement. It was magic all right, earth magic.

She told Sassy to wait as she pulled out a hand shovel and a plastic bag. She always chose a different place to dig up the soil she would take. She didn’t want to remove too much from one area and have the plants suffer from it. She thanked the earth, the trees, and the forest itself as she dug up a small piece of earth.

Every so often she thought she heard people whispering as she dug. She felt eyes on the back of her neck each time. But she had been doing it for so many years, she stopped looking around, knowing she would see no other human. It was actually comforting to her now.

As she stood up, Amy noticed a big, beautiful dragonfly sitting on a tree seedling nearby. She didn’t want to scare it away so she walked backwards a few steps and sat down, her back against one of the old trees of the forest. She loved all of nature and stopped to study it when she could. Sassy lay down with her head between her paws and looked at the dragonfly with an almost curious expression.

Amy noticed one of the dragonfly’s wings had twitched and saw there was a small tear in it. “Oh you poor thing! You probably can’t fly yourself to a sunny spot to get yourself warm,” Amy said aloud.

She moved very slowly towards the dragonfly with a finger outstretched. Its head moved wildly, but it didn’t fly away or hop to another plant. Amy knelt down, slowly putting her finger next to it.

“I’ll move you to a sunny spot if you’ll allow it,” she said to the beautiful, blue insect. She had never seen a dragonfly that big before, its wingspan easily the length of her hand.

The dragonfly jerked once, fanned its wings gently, and jumped up on her finger. With a smile that lit up her face, Amy slowly stood up. Sassy appeared beside her as they started walking towards home.

Amy talked to the dragonfly the whole way back, telling it how beautiful it was and how sorry she was to see its wing torn. She talked to it about her day, explaining how much she enjoyed her job, and how Sassy was her best friend in the whole world. Curiously, she noticed that the dragonfly’s head swung towards her when she spoke; almost like it was listening.

She heard whispers behind her as she walked along the path. She dismissed them, thinking the wind must have picked up and moved among the trees, making the leaves whisper their goodbyes.

As she neared the edge of the forest she saw a spot of light highlighting a small plant like a fancy diamond in a jewelry store window. She walked over to it so she could place the dragonfly in the warmth of the fading sun. She expected it to hop off of her finger and on to the plant as soon as she got close enough. Strangely, it didn’t jump off, even after she gently shook her hand trying to dislodge it. “C’mon little guy,” she said to it, “jump off and sit in the sun so you can heal your wing.”

A flash of light took her by surprise and she fell backwards, keeping her finger outstretched so the dragonfly wouldn’t get hurt by her fall. Her hand suddenly grew heavy but by what she had no idea why. She lay there, dazed, until a voice startled her.


Sassy, tangled in her leash, lay down and whined. Her eyes wide, she looked to her hand. Instead of the big, blue dragonfly she had carried for the past hour, there was a little winged man perched like a king on her finger. His wings were opalescent and almost the length of her arm but still held the shape of a dragonfly’s wings. His skin was so pale it looked like he was glowing. His vest was green, the color of a leaf in the height of summer, which matched well with his rich earth colored trousers.

Even more striking were his eyes. The same blue as the dragonfly, they were filled with such a deep wisdom it made her feel like he already knew everything about her. He was smiling, a twinkle in his eye showing his merriment at her open mouth and stunned expression.

“Human,” he said again in a voice that reverberated gently through the forest. She felt a sense of calm wash over her as the echoes died. “Wow,” was all she could squeak out, disbelief robbing her of her voice. Was there an honest-to-God fairy sitting on her hand? Yes, yes there was.

“I have watched you and your friend walk through these woods for years,” he said to her. “My name is unpronounceable in your tongue but you may call me Ash.” Amy whispered, “I’m Amy.”

She sat up, cupping the fairy in her palm so she wouldn’t drop him. She stared at him for what seemed like eternity until he spoke again. “You harvest my earth when you pass through my forest. What do you do with it?” “My apologies sir,” she said as she looked down nervously. “I use it to help my flowers last longer. I am sorry if I took what is yours.” Ash chuckled and the sound made Amy look at him, puzzled. “You respect my woods. There is no harm in the small quantity you take.”

Amy’s mind whirled as she tried to come to grips with what just happened. Why was Sassy just lying there? Did she get hurt? “Sassy come,” she said, as the worry snapped her out of her reverie. Sassy got up and took small steps over to her, careful to not get further tangled in her leash. As Sassy walked towards her, the leash vanished. Sassy stopped, unsure of what just happened. “Huh,” Amy heard someone say. She looked at Ash but his mouth was closed.

“No way,” Sassy said. She looked at Amy with the most incredulous look her canine face could manage, “I can talk!” As Amy stared at her longtime companion, shock made her mouth drop open again.

“You speak to her while you walk,” Ash said, drawing Amy’s gaze, “I thought you might like her to respond.” “This isn’t happening, this isn’t real,” Amy whispered to herself as her eyes glazed over. Her mind was spinning out of control, making her breath shallow and hard to catch.

“I assure you it is,” she heard Ash whisper. She put her empty hand to her head and rocked back and forth, her body’s primordial attempt at recapturing reality. “Ssshhhh. There is no reason to be alarmed Amy,” the fairy said.

Her eyes watered as her mind started to shut down. A warm, wet nose pushed through her hand and licked her face. The familiar scent of Sassy calmed her as she tried to grasp the situation. “I’m here,” Sassy said, “you’re ok.”

“But you’re talking to me,” she said between Sassy’s licks in a tight voice, “and there’s a fairy sitting on my hand and you’re talking to me.”, a hint of panic touching her eyes.

“I’ve wanted to speak to you since the day you got me,” Sassy said as she sat down in front of Amy. “You wished I could talk back to you, you’ve said so yourself a million times.”

“I’ve enjoyed your presence in my woods. I hoped I wouldn’t frighten you by revealing myself, I am sorry that I have,” Ash said to Amy, a look of genuine sadness creeping into his eyes. “I thought to reward your generous spirit by giving you what you said you most wanted. Do you no longer wish for your friend to speak?”

“I do. I did. I mean, I do,” Amy said, looking at him. She took a deep breath and shuddered as it left her. “This is just a little surreal, y’know?”

“We of the Fairy don’t often reveal ourselves to humans. It hasn’t been done in hundreds of years and I am breaking many of our laws by talking to you now,” Ash said to her, with a smirk on his face.

“I’ve known all along they were here but had no way to tell you,” Sassy said as she lay down. “They smell like the trees but different. I knew the fairy was testing you when I scented him instead of the dragonfly he looked like.”

“Your friend is right. Only those true of heart would try to save an injured insect,” Ash said. “Most humans see them as insignificant. They do not realize how each insect is necessary for life to continue. I guessed you would not think that way.”

Amy sat in silence, aware of the two pairs of eyes upon her. Her mind had come out of fight or flight mode and was slowly processing the last 10 minutes of her life. “I have so many questions,” Amy said as she tucked her legs underneath herself. “Are all the stories of fairies true? Do you really live forever? Am I going to end up like Rip VanWinkle?”

Ash’s head was thrown back as he heartily laughed at her questions, his wings fanning lightly to keep himself balanced. “You are such a treat human,” he said between gasps. “I will enjoy speaking to you.”

He fanned his wings faster, the light breeze moved wisps of her hair as he hovered over her palm. “I will answer your questions, but not today. The price for answers is your vow to never speak of the Fairy to another human. Nor may you tell them of your friend’s new ability,” Ash said, as he gently flew towards her face, hanging in mid-air at eye level.

“I promise,” Amy vowed. And she meant it.

“Anytime you are in my forest, say my name and I will meet you. I will join you on your walks if you wish it, answering your questions if I can.”

“Deal,” Amy said, sticking out her finger to shake his hand, which was the size of her fingernail. “Until then Amy,” Ash said with a bow. With a pop he was gone.

“Are you OK?” Sassy asked as she stood up, the leash suddenly re-appearing attached to her collar but no longer tangled in her legs. “I’m fine,” Amy said, looking at her best friend. She got up, dusting the dirt from her clothing. “I guess you don’t need that anymore,” she said as she took the leash off of Sassy, “now I can just tell you to stay near me.”

“That’s the funny thing, I wouldn’t have left you in the first place,” Sassy said with a tilt of her head, panting in a way that looked like a grin.

They walked out of the forest, side-by-side, each lost in their own thoughts. The silence continued until they got to the door to the house.

“What a weird day.”

“You said it.”

“I can’t wait for tomorrow!”

“Neither can I.”


I have decided that I do indeed like surprises. :) The only surprise I'm not keen on (besides all the bad ones of course) is the whole sing-to-you-for-your-birthday surprise. Yeah, I'm not a big fan of that one. I think it's 'cuz I blush.

Anyway, I'm not really sure I've thought about surprises and how I feel about them. I tried searching for a previous blog entry and couldn't find one. (Yes, I know it's sad that I had to look at my blog to see if I liked something. Get over it.) So, now that I've given it some thought, I'm sticking with I like surprises. :)

Please feel free to surprise me *any* time. :) No, really. Any time. :)

Millie is very clingy this morning. We have a morning routine that we follow and Millie is clearly not in the mood to play along. Here's what happens in the morning in my house:

Get up, hit the loo, let the boys out of their crates, let the kids out, make coffee, sit on the couch with the laptop, put a blanket on my lap and let the two Pins climb underneath it so they can lie next to my leg, check mail, blog, etc., etc.

The one thing that just about never changes is the boys under the blanket lying next to my leg. It's a total Min Pin thing... they live for lying under the blankets. Usually, Millie will go lie on the round chair so the Pins aren't walking on her head as she's not that big a fan of it. Today, however, Millie is glued to my side. She won't let either of them near me. And, she's even blocking Tweak from visiting and giving me kisses. Weird.

My travel mug has found it's way home and is very happy to be back! Now I don't have to stop at DD's to get coffee in the morning. The cup, while happy to go on vacation, is thankful to be back. We have a routine you see.

Now I just have to find an article on the web. I think I'll call the northerners-playing-rednecks place and see if they'll fax it to me from their archives. ;)


Wednesday, March 5, 2008

because I can...

This started out as a reflection of my feelings but morphed into something totally different.

The Diner

Sarah looked down at her hands and simply stared. Her thoughts jumbled over each other as she tried to grasp what just happened. Her eyes welled with tears until she could no longer see her hands. “How could this happen to me. How could this happen to me, again,” she thought as her shoulders softly betrayed her falling tears. She bonelessly dropped her head into her hands and cried, oblivious to the few customers left in the diner.

Kevin walked past the diner, his mind unable to focus on where he was headed. Grief tore through him like a hurricane in a corn field. “How could this happen. How could this happen again,” he thought as he walked into the street sign listing the diner’s specials. “I’ll get some coffee,” he thought as he stared down at the sign.

Sarah couldn’t stop the tears that ran down her face in rivulets; she didn’t want to. She thought maybe, just maybe, this set of tears would make her learn that love was not for her; to hide her heart so it couldn’t be touched. “When am I going to learn,” she asked herself as she grabbed a napkin out of the old metal holder. She was done crying for now but she knew there were plenty more tears where those came from. Sarah held her breath as she heard someone sit down in the booth next to her.

Kevin sat and stared at the wall, totally unaware of anything and anyone around him. When the waitress came for his order, he politely ordered coffee without a glance her way. “I can’t believe this happened again,” he thought before rubbing his tired eyes with his hand. “What are the chances,” he said aloud, not meaning to. He looked around and saw a brown haired girl wiping at her eyes at the table next to him. He wondered if that was how he looked since she looked how he felt.

Sarah glanced over to the brown haired man that sat down next to her. She barely noticed his catatonic state before she started counting the red and white patterns of the checkered tablecloth. Her hands held up her head, elbows on the table. It was a good thing she couldn’t hold down any food and hence wouldn’t be eating since her table manners were atrocious. Tears threatened to fall once again.

Kevin thanked the waitress for his coffee and took a sip, not really tasting anything. He sighed as he thought about the last 3 weeks and how hard life was going to be because of them. He decided it was time to give up; he had had enough of disappointment, tragedy, and heart ache. He wasn’t that strong anymore, although he wanted to be, and everything was still too new, too fresh for him to have any other thoughts. He couldn’t believe he had lost another wife.

Sarah sighed, wishing she had some semblance of control over herself. She broke down at the hospital, falling to her knees when they told her the news. She would never love again, she vowed right then and there. To bury another husband was too much for her; it was too hard. She couldn’t handle losing someone else. “I’m cursed,” she thought to herself.

Kevin shook his head as he thought about his beloved Tina. He wanted to take away all of her pain, switch places with her so he was the one with all the tubes and needles in him. Spare her from it all; take it upon him so the outcome was different. Tina would be alive, lighting up the world with her infectious smile and laughter. He didn’t understand why she was gone.

Sarah didn’t understand why he was gone. She had already been through this once before. Why couldn’t it have been her this time? She would’ve traded places with him in a heartbeat to spare him from that much pain.

Micah and Hillary stood behind the heart broken humans, watching them with sadness in their eyes. Micah reached out and gently stroked Sarah’s hair. Hillary went and stood next to Kevin, her hand resting lightly on his shoulder. She looked at Micah, concern written on her face, “It’s difficult to have repeats Micah,” she said, looking at Kevin.

“I know, Hillary,” Micah said. “This assignment seems harsh but I promise that it’s necessary.”

“Why, Micah” she asked, “Why these two, again?”

“You know why, Hillary,” he said while putting his arm around Sarah, who lowered her head onto the table, succumbing to the weight of her emotions. “To truly appreciate each other and the love only these two people could have for each other, they both needed to experience loss that is rarely seen.”

“The pain and despair coming off of them is suffocating, Michah.”

“I know, Hillary. It won’t be long for us, not as long as the first time they went through it anyway.”

“I guess it’s time to get started then,” she said.

“Don’t worry Hillary, everything will work out. You, being the Fate of Love, should know that,” Micah said, smiling at his beloved. “Love is everything and they will know that soon enough.”


I am freakin' miserable today. Or was. Or am. I'm not sure I can really tell right now.

I don't want to come here anymore. I don't want to do what I do anymore. I don't want to deal with the duplicity and lack of common courtesy, the politics and the popularity contests.

This place is worse than high school.

The cliques are different - far more hard core than high school was. Here, they can fuck with your job, your projects and your pay. In high school it only determined who talked to you and what parties you were invited to.

"It's not an office, it's hell with fluorescent lighting", I have a sign that says that in my office and today it is especially true.

Ugh. I am going to work out SO hard today to get rid of this frustration.


I turned the TV on...

Let's see what I learned on the news this morning, shall we?

- There is now a DNA test that tests for baldness
- Ipods are being blamed for an increase in violence (they came out around the same time there was a surge in violence)
- Huckabee is out, McCain is in (shudder)
- Billary made a comeback but Obama is still in the lead
- a 28 inch woman gave birth to an 8 inch baby

Do you really need to ask why I don't watch the news?

I, again, got up at half past stupid today in an attempt to save myself from the pain known as Daylight Saving Time.

I have pimple. :(


Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Updated bucket list

As I've stated before, my bucket list isn't all that long. Compared to most people, it's dreadfully short and may seem incomplete. That doesn't mean *I* think it's incomplete, just that I recognize it might be in comparison to yours or someone else's.

A few weeks back, I remembered something that was missing from the list. I don't know how I missed it but I did.

So here's an updated list:
  • Learn to play a Lenny Kravitz song on a drum set.
  • Visit my friends in Australia.
  • Sit in a Paris restaurant with my dog.
  • Get something published - a picture, story, whatever.
  • Drive a professional monster truck.
There are other things that I *want* to do but very few that I *need* to do in order to feel like my life is or was complete.

As I said before, I have no idea why my list is so short. There could be a dozen reasons from me not being very imaginative to me being completely happy with my life. Who knows.

I took Tweak to work with me today. It was really nice out, we have that competition coming up, and there's a nice open area between two of the buildings that was just *screaming* for a dog to chase a frisbee on. She wasn't able to come into my office as dogs aren't allowed in the building so she stayed in the car. I took her out a few times during the day and threw the frisbee for her. We had fun!! Plus, the day flew by when it was broken up by me being able to play with her. I was just so excited she was with me. :)

It was actually a good thing that I brought her with me since she had diarrhea. :( If I hadn't brought her, she would've been stuck in a crate the whole day, which would've meant a really, really bad thing to come home to for me, and a really, really bad day for her. The only bad thing was that I broke 3 nails throwing the frisbee. Oh well.

Larissa and I went out for pizza and beer after work. The traffic going home *sucked* and she had to hang around the are to practice. We chatted about some serious girl stuff and had a great time doing it. :)

I'd fill ya in but you really just don't need to know... ;)


I can't believe I forgot...

... to talk about Freddie's placement in Flyball. What the hell is wrong with me?

He kicked ass for points this weekend. He only has a couple of hundred left until his next title - FMCh or Flyball Master Champion - which he'll get at the NET tournament in May. Considering my original goal for him was a Flyball Master title (2 titles before that one), we're doing pretty good. He'll get an ONYX for sure, which blows my mind.

If neither of the dogs ahead of Freddie in the breed standing went to tournaments since January, he'll be the number four dog in flyball. The number 3 dog only has 15507 points so we should be able to surpass that at the May tournament. We'll be traveling a boat load this summer and he's going to be racing his little ass off between the local tournaments he'll run with my team and the stuff he'll do with NET while on the road in Open or Vets.

I'll cement one of those top five placements if it's the last thing I do. :)

I'm not always super competitive but when I am, watch out... it's on. That number 5 dog is going down. (Jo, are you proud?)

Damn. I forgot we were traveling to Batavia next month for an Open team. Freddie will probably get his title then, not during the NET tourney. Bummer dude.

Has anyone noticed the totally absurd time this was posted? I'm trying to get a jump on the time change so I set my alarm for an hour before. Can you believe I got up when it went off? I know! Weirdest thing ever.

(BTW, I passed out after sending my last text so I didn't see your good night until this morning. You still need to tell me if I have anything to be afraid of. Maybe I'll go back and add that to the fear quiz I just took. :p)

There isn't a day that goes by that my crazy Border Collie doesn't make me smile. I laugh *all* the time because of her. Now if the Pins would stop rolling in dead things so I wouldn't have to bathe them right before bed, they'd make me laugh too. Last night, I was not laughing.


Monday, March 3, 2008

girl stuff...

Apparently I have a lot to say today...

I don't often post stuff that goes around in email format. Usually what's here is my own thoughts/ideas/writing, etc.

My friend Jill is a forwarder. She forwards anything that is funny, sick, crazy, sentimental, etc., etc. that hits her inbox. I, on the other hand, am not. Whatever shit you send me like that usually dies with me.

Except this one. This one, I'm passing on as a public service announcement for women everywhere. Each woman is different so I won't say that everything written is true. I will say that the majority is true tho'.

Don't believe me?

Ask any woman that you think will answer you honestly. Let her read this, listen to her laugh as she reads it and she'll tell you. Maybe not *all* of it, but certainly 95% of it will ring true with just about any woman you know... even your mom. (Mom, if you're reading this, don't tell me if you agree or not - that's really TMI for me. Thanx.)

With that said, here's a warning. It might be a little on the crude side, depending on how sensitive you are, but keep reading. It's a good instructional guide for men.

I would love to take credit and say that I wrote this but I did not. If you know who the author is, please let me know and I'll give credit to whom credit is due.

To the women that agree - I know. And you're very welcome (just make sure your lover reads this.)

On with the show.

Some interesting girl facts- guys- take note, girls pass on to the guys (or girls) who might like to know... ;)

Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A proper passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.

Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a
difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.

You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion, it's avoidance.

Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.

Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they're a doggie toy isn't.

Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.

A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention.

Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.

Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it.

Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris.

Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.

Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy.

Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.

Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you're trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried away. It's best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.

You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.

Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons.

A man in socks and underpants is at his worst. Lose the socks fist.

When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool - she'll soon feel like an assembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts.

If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.

Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.

It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you're playing Marathon Man.

You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don't know, don't ask.

Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.

Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.

Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what's necessary.

Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie
there. And don't grab her head.

In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In real life, it just means more laundry to do.

Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.

This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don't think that being drunk is an excuse.

When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll hear the words "__ to show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them.

Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.

There is no less erotic noise. It's as sexy as a belching contest.

If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.

Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they have a prostate. Women don't.

It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.

Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a big turn-on.

It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know

You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.

Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.

Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen.

22 ways to make a girl smile

Category: Romance and Relationships

1 . Tell her she is beautiful (not fine, or sexy)

2 . Hold her hand at any moment . . . even if its just for a second.

3 . Kiss her on the forehead.

4 . Leave her voice messages to wake up to.

5 . When she is upset, hold her tight and tell her how much she means to you.

6 . Recognize the small things . . . they usually mean the most.

7 . Pick her over all the other girls you hang out with.

8 . Write her notes. (she loves them)

9 . Introduce her to family and friends . . . as your girlfriend.

10 . Play with her hair.

11 . Pick her up, tickle her, and play-wrestle with her.

12 . Sit in the park and just talk to her.

13 . Tell her funny jokes, tell her stupid jokes, or just tell her jokes.

14 . Let her fall asleep in your arms.

15 . If she's mad at you, kiss her.

16 . Give her piggyback rides. (I disagree...)

17 . Bring her flowers.

18 . Treat her the same around your friends as you do when your alone.

19 . Look her in the eyes and smile.

20 . Let her take as many pictures of you as she wants.

21 . Kiss her in the rain.

22 . If you’re in love with her... tell her.


People send out tons of surveys via MySpace. Sometimes, if I'm bored, I do them but they're all like "What's your favorite car?" kind of questions.

I thought this one was different, interesting even. I thought it took a pretty secure or brave person to post this with absolutely true answers... that's like giving someone the key to your psyche in a way.

So I figured I'd be brave and answer it 100% honestly. I'll even comment on why I'm afraid of those things.

I Fear…

[ ] black people
[ ] the dark
[X] staying single forever (Duh. I like companionship, touching, etc. I would like someone to grow old with.)
[X] being a parent (What a responsibility. I'd be sure to fuck up the poor kid - totally unintentionally of course.)
[X] giving birth (Seriously. Does this need to be explained?)
[ ] being myself in front of others
[ ] open spaces
[ ] closed spaces
[ ] heights
[ ] dogs
[ ] birds
[ ] fish
[X] spiders (Little bastards. This doesn't need an explanation either. I know it's irrational. Shoot me.)
[ ] flowers or other plants

Total so far:4

[ ]being touched
[ ] fire
[ ] deep water
[ ] snakes
[ ] silk
[ ] the ocean
[X] failure (Classic getting up in front of class naked bad dream syndrome. But these lessons are usually the best!!)
[X] success (I wouldn't want to live under a microscope without an iota of privacy.)
[ ] thunder/lightning
[ ] frogs/toads
[ ] my boyfriends/girlfriends dad
[ ] my boyfriends/girlfriends mom
[ ] rats
[ ]jumping from high places
[ ] snow

Total so far:6

[ ] rain
[ ] wind
[ ] crossing hanging bridges
[ ] death
[ ] heaven
[X] being robbed/mugged (Isn't this kinda normal? I don't obsess about it but I certainly don't want it to happen...)
[ ] falling
[ ] clowns
[ ] dolls
[ ] large crowds of people
[ ] men
[ ] women
[X] having great responsibilities (I really need to just take care of myself and mine - a limited number. No presidency for me.)
[ ] doctors, including dentists
[ ] tornadoes

Total so far:8

[ ] hurricanes (Aunty Em, Aunty Em!)
[ ] incurable diseases
[ ] sharks
[ ] Friday the 13th
[ ] ghosts
[ ] poverty
[ ] Halloween
[ ] school
[ ] trains
[ ] odd numbers
[ ] even numbers
[ ] being alone (I'm assuming this is alone in the stay-at-home-alone-sense.)
[X] becoming blind (I'd hate to lose any of my senses. I know I'd be pissed in the beginning, I'd have a pity party, then I'd adapt. I'd still miss that sense and the independence it gave me. Same with the one below.)
[X] becoming deaf
[ ] growing up, old

Total so far:10

[X] creepy noises in the night (I'll admit to this one. I *hate* it when the house settles in a way I'm not used to.)
[X] bee stings (Bug-o-phobia. 'Nuff said.)
[X] needles (Does anyone truly like getting stuck with a needle? I do it but I can't watch it go in - unless it's on someone else.)
[ ] blood
[ ] dinosaurs (Only if they're chasing me and it's snack time...)
[ ] the welcome mat
[ ] high speed
[ ] throwing up
[ ] falling in love

Final Total: 13

(The normal crap that determines how you did on these things, none of that is my opinion.)

If you get more than 30, I strongly recommend some counseling.

If you get more than 20, you’re paranoid.

If you get 10-20, you are normal.

If you get 10 or less, you’re fearless.

People who don’t have any are full of shit. ( I do agree with this one.)

Ok, so according to some obscure MySpace fear assessment, I'm normal. Doesn't that make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside?

That just goes to show you, don't believe everything you read. :p