Monday, November 3, 2008

How to Sweep the Floor

At least, this is what it's like at my house...

1. Put all of the dogs outside in the fenced yard
2. Pick up the dog toys
3. Separate the dog toys into 3 piles - intact, skins and trash
4. Pick up the double armful of trashed toys and place them in the trash in the kitchen
5. Let one of the dogs in
6. Chase the lone dog away from the pile of toys
7. When the dog's focus changes from the intact toys to the stuffed animal skins, throw as many of the intact toys as you can in the corner
8. Try to pick up the skins as fast as possible
9. Pick up the skins that were scattered when the dog ran to the back door
10. Let the dog out
11. Continue picking up the remainder of the skins
12. Let another dog in
13. Throw the skins in the trash
14. Watch the dog make a bee line for the pile of intact toys, picking up a dropped skin along the way
15. Watch the intact toys scatter as the dog bowls into them like stacked pins
16. Chase the dog around the house trying to get the skin back
17. Inadvertently play tug of war with the skin until you remember to say "out"
18. Throw the skin in the trash
19. Wonder how the dog can fit 4 toys into its mouth
20. Pick up the intact toys one at a time and toss them in the dog toy bin
21. Laugh in a frustrated kind of way as the dog retrieves every toy you threw
22. Grab the toy in the dog's mouth and lead the dog outside
23. Try to prevent the remaining dogs from getting in the house
24. Count to 10 from your unsuccessful attempt of preventing the dogs from getting in the house
25. Grab a handful of kibble, show the dogs you have it
26. Walk outside and toss the kibble into the grass
27. Remember to bend your legs as they zoom past, .o2 seconds too late
28. Run back into the house and quickly close the door
29. Pick up all of the intact toys, again, and toss them into the dog toy bin
30. Pick up and shake off each one of the 6 dog beds, place them on the couch
31. Kick one of the marrow bones with your slippered foot
32. Curse while dancing around in pain
33. Pick up the marrow bones and gently put them in the bin
34. Run to the back door to stop the loud, out of key, 4 dog serenade
35. Bend your knees, belatedly, again
36. Bellow in pain causing all but one of the dogs to scatter
37. Grab the broom and sweep the big pieces of toy stuffing into a pile
38. Chase the not-so-smart dog away from the stuffing pile
39. Sweep the dust, dirt and hair balls towards the pile that is no longer a pile of toy stuffing
40. Chase the not-so-smart dog away from the stuffing pile that is no longer a pile
41. Remake the toy stuffing pile and the dust, dirt and hair balls pile
42. Combine both piles while shoo'ing the not-so-smart dog away at every turn
43. Move the ottoman
44. Bellow at the not-so-smart dog that just cow-a-bunga'ed into the large pile of stuffing, dirt, dust and hair balls
45. Pick up the not-so-smart dog and place him in the bathroom
46. Close the bathroom door while using your foot as a blocker
47. Sweep under the ottoman and move the small pile towards the big pile area
48. Re-re-make the big pile of toy stuffing, dust, dirt and hair balls
49. Using the dustpan and brush, make 7 trips to the trash in the kitchen (one for the pieces dropped along the way)
50. Move the ottoman back
51. Put the dog beds back into position (which got knocked off the couch at some point)
52. Realize it's 10pm and time for bed
53. Let the not-so-smart dog out of the bathroom
54. Find a small dog lying on top of the toys in the dog toy bin
55. Find a big dog squashed into a cat bed in the other room
56. Find the shy dog under the corner portion of the kitchen table bench (read 4 inch wide opening)
57. Pick up the forgotten broom to put it away
58. Roll your eyes as 3 dogs scatter and 1 not-so-smart dog dances around your legs barking at you.

True story.

Stay tuned for my next DIY article title "How to Make a Sandwich."



Sarah said...

Ha! My list was similar except I have nutbag Seven who thinks the broom is trying to play with him so he's playbowing and biting it while I am trying to sweep. I finally got smart and have the following two steps:

1. Crate Dogs
2. Sweep


Dawn said...

That's because you're waaaayyyy smarter than I. :)

Sarah said...

Hm. Remember I have the roommates? And I thought that would be a good idea? Yeah, I'm smarter than you... LOL!

Dawn said...

That was just inexperience. You've learned your lesson and short of dire circumstances, you won't do that again. :)

I, however, sweep all the freakin' time... everyday if I can, actually.

Trust me when I say you have a long way to go to reach my level of stupidity! Hahhahaha