Thursday, October 18, 2007

night isn't night

At least not tonight it isn't. I let the kids out for the last potty break of the night just a minute ago. I have to go out with them because Tweak likes to bark at shadows. And bats. And grass.

Anyway, I sit on the deck looking up at the stars while quietly, but forcefully saying 'No, quiet!" every 2.03 seconds to Tweak.

Tonight I noticed that there weren't any stars. Instead of the deep dark night littered with tiny pin pricks of light, there is a gray/dusty rose night sky. It's quite pretty actually. I wish there was a way to catch it on film.

I mentioned before that today was really the first day I had my brain back. In retrospect, it's probably a very good thing I had no clue what the dates/days were earlier this week.

Tuesday, the 16th, made it one year since I lost a part of my heart. Ironically enough, I was sick then too. My sweet love, Skootchie, went to the bridge that day. It was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life but she was sick, dying from liver failure, in my arms. We raced to the vet's office where I heard the worst news.

I stayed with her, whispered words of love as she lay in my arms and on my lap. I remember. My heart remembers.

I made the toughest decision I'll ever make. Not one I regret, she was sick - really, really sick and it was very clear she wasn't feeling good. There was nothing that could be done or I would have done it, regardless of cost. They don't have liver transplants for dogs.

While crying, I told her how good she was, how much I loved her, how sorry I was that I didn't know she was sick, how happy she made me, how much I loved her even though she had the absolute worst breath in the world, how I hoped she knew how much she was loved, how I hoped she had the best life possible, and that she made me want to be a better person, worthy of her.

I stayed with her until the very end, as much as it pained me, because I owed it to her. She deserved to have me by her side. There's no way I would leave her with strangers, to be scared while feeling so awful, not understanding what was going on.

I miss my girl.

There are many things I would trade just to see her again. To give her a kiss. To get a rare and precious very stinky kiss from her.

I think she would've liked Tweak. I think they would've played until Skootchie had enough and put her in her place. She was the queen bee after all.

As I'm sure you can imagine, I've cried throughout this whole blog. Since I'm still sick, now I really can't breathe out of any orifice.

I wish you could've known her. She was a really special dog who pleased lots of people by sneezing on command.


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