Friday, March 21, 2008

wandering aimlessly...

I've got too much on my mind and none of it I want to write about. So, I wander aimlessly around the house, over-thinking.

Over-thinking is something I am, unfortunately, very good at. I'm convinced I can find a solution if I can just see every scenario. If I can play out every possibility in my mind, then surely the right answer will come to me.

That works wonders when I need to decide something for myself - not so much when there are other people involved. Since that's 99% of the time, you can see how my over-thinking is a huge waste of time. I know it, in my head, but there's very little I can do to stop it.

So I wander around aimlessly, still pretty much deaf from being sick, in a world entirely of my own making.

Shoulda, woulda, coulda. Otherwise known as counterfactual thinking, these words haunt a good majority of people when things don't quite go their way. Thinking of the shoulda, woulda, coulda's is actually counterproductive for a healthy mental state as it focuses on what should/would/could be instead of what is. What is, is what people need to think about and deal with, not the shoulda, woulda, couldas.

But, it's hard not to go there, right? If only I had left the house 10 minutes earlier (a big one of mine), I should've known, I could've tried, I would've succeeded, all good examples of counterfactual thinking.

Not surprisingly, in my over-thinking process I hit upon the shoulda, woulda, coulda's. (I'm not sure there's anything I *don't* hit upon while over-thinking, actually.) Also not surprisingly, it just gives me more to think about.

I know I do this. I know it's probably not the best thing for me. But, like wearing my emotions on my sleeve, it's just a part of who I am. I've tried to change it but was unsuccessful and after more soul searching, I'm ok with that.

Today is my last day at home as I need to return to the office on Monday. It will be good to get out of the house again - good to have some semblance of a life again. I hope I get my hearing back before Monday as meetings will be very difficult for me if I don't. It's a good thing I'm fairly fluent in sign language - at least I have a way to communicate. I have that going for me, which is nice.

So, to stop myself from wandering around the house, leaning against a wall while gazing sightlessly in front of me, I'll do what I normally do to get myself out of an over-thinking phase - work. Homework, to be more precise. I will do nothing but homework all day long. It keeps my mind busy, I get things done and feel productive, and not fail class. All good things.


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