Wednesday, March 19, 2008

just thinking...

I'm a simple person, quite unremarkable really. I never had aspirations of being great or famous or rich or a rock star or even an important scientist. I mean, I dreamed of being those things from time to time, but I didn't want to actually be them. I knew pretty early on that my life was going to be fairly normal - I'd work for what I got, I'd spend time with family and friends, I'd go through life with a routine, and that was quite alright with me.

Nothing has changed. I still don't want to lose my privacy by being famous. I don't want to lose my life in researching great things as a scientist. I go to work, come home, spend time with the dogs, family, and friends. Life is good. Sometimes predictable, sometimes not.

The only difference between what I thought my life would be like and what my life is actually like is the lack of a partner. That's really it. I've had a good life so far and I can only imagine that it will be greater, no matter what trials and tribulations some force of nature feels I need to face.

I have been in one long-term relationship after another since I was 15. I removed myself from the dating world after the last relationship so I could reconvene with myself. Find out who I was, who I turned out to be while caring for all of these other people. That was 4 years ago and I've done a good job, I think, in really just being me these past couple of years.

I've learned I'm a lot more sarcastic and cynical than I once thought. I've learned that I really have very little patience for people who think they truly are the only ones that matter in the world. I've learned that as much as I like to sit on my high horse, I'm no better or worse than anyone else. I like to think I have a strong set of morals, but I've realized they are not stronger or weaker than anyone else's. I'm a middle of the road kind of gal and after a lot of soul searching, I'm ok with that.

I don't need fancy things. I don't want a gargantuan house that I won't be able to keep clean. I don't need tons of money in the bank or a high end car to feel good about myself. I've gone through the stages, learned a LOT in the last relationship, where nothing was good enough ever unless it was the best money could buy. I think people confuse money and things for happiness. I'm sure there was a point in my life when I did the same thing. Now, not so much.

Happiness first comes from within. All those sayings are true. If you don't love yourself, you won't be able to love others. If you aren't happy with yourself, no person or thing will make you happy. Sometimes it may seem like you are, but you're really not. There will always be things to improve upon, work on, and fix throughout life. Nothing is perfect nor would I want perfection in the literal sense.

Where is this going? I don't know. Just thinking out loud I guess.

I started out feeling pretty good, then started getting a little sad while writing. The only part missing is a partner. Someone to share all of this with, someone to laugh with all the time because I like to laugh. A lot, actually. I like to have fun and want someone who shares a lot of the same interests. That's really the only thing that's missing and occasionally I'm sad about that.

And then I get a phone call from Susan, who manages to put everything into perspective for me once again.

Susan does pet therapy for terminal children and today is hospital day. Her clients? A 6 year old girl that was dragged 160 feet under a car and a 5 year old girl who probably won't survive the pet therapy visit.

I hope your problems seem as insignificant as mine do.


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